It's a few days to what would
have been Mbu's 37th birthday (04 June). Just thinking about the age 37, I get goosebumps
because it's still surreal how young my Mbu was when he died. Nevertheless, I
have made great strides in my healing journey and I am finally gracefully
living with his absence.
I have learned to listen to my
hurt and not invalidate it. Yes, I still hurt, and I'll probably keep
experiencing it until the day I die – but it’s important that I tell you that
it no longer runs my life.
Most of my days are filled with
so much life, in every aspect of the word. I'm in awe of how much I've made
progress in my own personal space. I've had 3 different jobs in the past 4
years and my current one being everything I prayed for. My health is greater
than ever. My relationships are fulfilling, especially in the sphere of
conflict management and resolution, and acceptance for others and their unique
differences.
True companionship is one of the
things I miss most about Mbu. Its unquestionable depth of honesty and
validation. Yes, validation; in its healthiest form. I mattered, my whole existence
mattered and that's not something one finds easily – I have to build on that,
but not everyone we meet has the capabilities and capacity to build such; but I
hopeful that one day I will have that again.
I'm truly grateful for my growth
as far as my acceptance goes, being able to accept that people are made
different. It doesn't make them bad people; it just makes them not for you. I say
this because I have tried dating (still trying) and I have had to continuously keep
a radar on my ideal companionship, because loneliness can make one easily
relinquish their true self-worth for a fleeting companionship that has no true
value.
With rebuilding, I've also
learned the importance of harboring peace. Keeping it within myself, and
diligently so. It's in the chaos of everything falling apart that I've found
solace in peace. My strongest strengths come from my strong will and strong
mind; and the more I invested on making peace my space for decision making, I
found I had less regret.
And it is from my peace, that
I've made the decision to enter into a self-care week. I'm not falling apart
but I'm putting extra caution on my well-being, especially mentally; to make
sure that all that I invested on myself isn't in vain. I call this ‘betting
on yourself’ because you know yourself more than anyone, or at least
you should!!
