One the many good things that have come with widowhood is
the exposure to a great vast of knowledge, if not a change in one’s thought
processing.
Today I had a brief conversation with a single friend on
dating a man living with HIV. I had read a woman’s comment on a post put up by
a well-loved female comedian earlier today. The question asked by the comedian
was “Why
are you single?”
I was drawn to it because I am single and my single friend
and I love to poke jokes at our status; so I was expecting to read some
humorous comments, because that’s what social media tends to do, especially on
such topics.
To my dismay I read a very deep mood altering comment.
Immediately I felt a sense of reality hitting me. Finding a person that is
ideal to your status (financially, physically, psychologically etc.) isn’t at
all that easy.
“…I will not date someone I have to hide my from and end up
compromising my health just to please him…where can we find real men who
understand that HIV is not a death sentence…” the comment said. I took
a screenshot and shared it with my single friend.
She asked me “Would
you date someone with HIV?” This is a question I’ve thought of before but
only shared my thoughts with just one friend. I replied “Yes, I
would.”
When someone you love becomes diagnosed with HIV, it almost
forces you to evaluate your beliefs and attitude about it. I met someone years
ago who would become my dearest love. I was not entirely shocked at their
disclosure and I’ll tell you why. When you look at the numbers regarding the
infection rate, it’s a given that the person in front of you might be living
with HIV. Their openness about their status allowed me the opportunity to get
educated on it.
Firstly. I have learned that they don’t bear the ‘I’m living with HIV’ emblem, we tend to
think those living with HIV are skinny, gaunt and almost dead. That’s what most
people still think unfortunately, even with the great progress made in terms of
education on it; but then again, there isn’t much compelling one to learn more
on HIV when they haven’t been expose to it – both directly and indirectly, so
maybe that’s why there’s still ignorance.
Secondly, they are healthy and are very invested in their
well-being, in every sense of the word. This was particularly encouraging for me
because I have learned to love them, so their well-being was now important to
me.
Thirdly and probably most importantly, they are educated on
the subject and educated me on it too. So I am not as frightened of the virus
as I was before learning more about it. One of the things I have learned is the
importance of monitoring one’s viral load.
So why am I tackling such a deep subject?
Because it’s a reality for someone out there and as one of
the people who are constantly talking to a huge following, I felt it’s only
appropriate to address those who fall into this particular category.
What I have mentioned in this post is my personal view. The
people in my life who are living with HIV are worthy of a good relation just as
someone who isn’t HIV positive. When the person I care about comes to me and
says “…things ended when I disclosed my
HIV status…” seeing their devastation, which normally leads to depression
is a wake-up call. A call to accept everyone as the same, because that’s what I
wish the person who was dating my ‘loved
one’ would have done. To take a chance on them, learn about HIV and play a
supportive role in their lives; but I can’t expect someone to do what I myself
wouldn’t do. This calls me out – so to speak, I have to do better and be
better.
When I married my late husband, I thought we’d live together
until we’re old and grey, but life happened otherwise. So I am here, having to
think about the possibility of the future. A future I am still trying to figure
out; so there’s a huge sense of humility
there. Scenarios that were far from my mind have now become a possibility
and the comfort of sitting in my warm beautiful marriage looking out at the
world with judgement and contempt is no longer there.
Life has personally taught me that there’s never a never. Just like I never thought I’d be
a young widow, but life happened and here we are; so this includes dating and
marrying a man living with HIV.
I hope this has been a good read and importantly I hope it
has provoked you to look differently at HIV and get educated on it, because the
very person next to you, possibly your loved one could be living with HIV and
is unable to disclose their status due to fear of being stigmatised.
Yours in healing.
Fortunate Zungu-Ludaka.
