Super Weird.

I am constantly working hard to achieve something on my own, by myself in a bid to convince myself there’s still value in me but when I actually see my work yield great results I get sad.

Widowhood is super weird.

I’m used to Mbu being my cheerleader and ‘soundboard’ for all my ideas. He never thought my ideas were crazy and even if he did, he never said it out loud.

He was strict with money though. Whenever he’d invest in any of my ideas he’d first make me promise that I wouldn’t use the money on anything except for business *rolling my eyes* like I would, I don’t even like shopping *chuckles*

I am currently working on several projects; pushing the envelope because that thrills me but with him not being there it’s quite saddening and confusing, but confusion has become the new norm. 

No matter how much my ideas get the green light I still yearn for his reassurance.

I guess this is what life will be until I find that kind of comfort again.

And please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying Mbu was my life but I am saying he was the best part of my life.

That’s what we want from marriage right? Someone we can be ambitious with. Someone who cheers us on when we’re in doubt about pursuing our dreams. Someone who doesn’t steal our shine.

All this I had with my Mbu.

Honestly, the only reason I want to get married again is because I trust God for a spouse who will be comfortable in his uniqueness and trust the amount of worth he’ll be adding to ‘us’ and our vision.

Depressed And Widowed

I find myself forgetful. Thoughts of things needing to be done completely leave my mind. Nothing matters. Not even me. The pain I feel is all I know. There’s nothing greater than it.

I want to be alone and lay in a still position. Even moving to change positions is a task, one I don’t wish to partake in.

For a moment I forgot how to breathe, as if anyone has ever taught me. Something as natural, as voluntary as breathing ceased. I remember staring at his body hearing voices talking, they asked me what they should do with his body. My first response was reaching for my phone to call him on his. Then my mind quickly reminded me that he was gone. I then asked the hospital staff to give me a few hours, that I’d be back to get him.

I don’t think I’ll ever make sense of that moment, even in the years to come. One second he was there and the next he was gone. That particular moment taught me that I own nothing. That even our righteousness had no value against death. I could have been the most perfect wife but that wouldn’t constitute my ownership over my husband’s life. No matter how much I loved my husband, my love was never going to be enough. I couldn’t lay claim over him and tell God he was mine and therefore he should let him live.

This is why I cared about nothing after. There was no point in anything. What would be the point in celebrating a life only to lose it?  And if something as precious as life could be lost, what’s the point of celebrating and holding on tightly to material wealth? It all seemed pointless.

I couldn’t let this go on though. My kids still needed a mother. Me still needed me.

I won’t lie, it was tough; it still is and today is just one of those tough days.

I woke up with such unbearable pain in my heart. I was filled with confusion because everything in me doesn’t want to feel like this. My brain identifies these emotions and pain as quick sand and that I need to get out as soon as I can. Then the battle in the mind begins. I’m grasping for air. I am fighting to stay conscious. The emotions want me to stay but a part of me, I’m not sure which one, keeps fighting to leave.

That’s the thing about depressed moods. They’re somehow comforting but can kill if you dare stay there. I guess I should be grateful there’s a part of me that’s fighting hard not to stay in this state. I call it faith. To this day there’s  not been too many signs of me ever reaching full recovery, but when I read God’s word it tells me I’ll make it and since I’ve made it to 22 months without my beloved husband, I guess I will.

Isaiah 41:10 New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

HONESTY

I hardly blog about my children because I’d like them to have the opportunity to tell their story their way someday, but just this once I’d like to share just a bit.

“Mama, you’re going to stay with me. You don’t have to worry about anything in your life” my daughter said as we were pacing through the different aisles in the shop.

My son quickly interrupted her. “Do you intend to get married?’ my son asked my daughter. My daughter replied “Yes, of course”.

My son now ready to make his very important point, added “Do you think your husband will be ok with that? If my wife brought her mom to come and live with us, I am also getting my mom to join us. We’ll be one very big happy family.”

At this point I was laughing hysterically because I knew this conversation was headed to this particular point.

I raised my children to be open minded. From a very early age I taught them the importance of good communication. I still emphasize how valuable their point of view is; not that they’re always right, but rather express without getting emotional. I need to ace this myself. One day I will.

Now it was my turn to raise my view on this very important conversation about me.

“This is why I want and need to get married again. You can’t be responsible for my life. It’s not fair on both of us. You still need to chase your dreams without worrying about me. And because I want to live the rest of my life happy. I don’t want to hop from one relationship to another and I am sure you also wouldn’t like that, so it’s best I settle down again.”

They weren’t quite happy about the remarrying idea. I think if I were in their shoes I would have probably felt the same. Losing two fathers in such a short space of time couldn’t have been an easy thing to deal with, but I had to talk to them about it because it’s what I wanted. I wanted them to know that despite the tragedy, I still had hope for a better future.

I had just turned 31 when I became husband-less for the second time in my life. I was too young to declare myself a widow till death and I wasn’t going to.

Some may argue it was too soon to address such an issue with my kids, but again they aren’t in my shoes; I am. Honesty has always worked for our relationship. It’s how we built trust.

Almost every parent wants to protect their kids from painful experiences, but too often this is impossible. For me talking to them about everything, good bad, exciting or saddening has help us build an amazing bond. It has taught them accountability because even I am accountable for my own mistakes, no matter what.

The beautiful thing I’ve discovered is the way their love is so unconditional. I am shocked at this, because we often hide our flaws especially from those we love and value, when in fact vulnerability to our children births room for perfect human beings, the imperfectly perfect human being.

I wouldn’t want my children to grow up to be adults who go around putting on a facade because society expects them to be a certain way. No ways.

Different Love

One day I just got tired. Wearing these shoes was a burden. Firstly they were uncomfortable and their beauty couldn’t even change that. So I stopped wearing them. I swapped them for flats *big smiles*

It’s this kinda similar to relationships. We meet these amazing people and we click but eventually we realise the relationship is more torturous to our inner peace than it’s worth.

Then we keep up a front because we don’t want those who may have warned us to see we’ve come to this realisation. Sad.

I met Mbu end of August 2012 *Big smiles again*

Let’s just say he was the ‘flats’ after realising the high heels weren’t for me. He was a med student which translated “ultra-broke”. He had no money, no car etc. I won’t lie and say I fell in love instantly. He was just different from any guy I’ve ever been with. But again I prayed for different.

I guess this is where we lose it. we pray for someone and we expect them to show up looking a certain way, forgetting what’s inside them is what we actually are in need of, not the exterior.

I remember on our second date watching him talk and thinking to myself ‘girl, this is where you run. You don’t even love this guy. He doesn’t have much to offer…why are you willing to give this relationship a chance? Just run”. I went home and had a conscious debate about it and that’s when I realised this is what I wanted. He was a guy head over heels in love with me. This was quite different. I liked it. I chose to give us a chance and although he’s no longer here today, his love is still the best kind of love I’ve ever experienced.

An old colleague of his sent me a message when the news of his passing reached her. She expressed her heartfelt condolences and told me all the things Mbu used to tell her about me during their shifts together.

I wasn’t surprised. That man was so attached to me, sometimes it annoyed me and that I regret of course. I am human after all. I wasn’t expecting him to die. Spending every single hour of his free time together was too much but he knew why. He knew he was on his way.

To say you love someone and to actually love them; are two completely different things. We say with pride how much we love our significant others but our love, the actual act is so conditional. They must first make us feel a certain way, please us a certain way etc. But here was a man who was just there to love me unconditionally and I almost missed him because I was focused on the conditions.

How naïve of us to think our significant others are just there to please us and be about us. How often do we give all that we expect? Freely even, without counting. Hmmm.

See all these are the things Mbu taught me. I would throw tantrums and just be impossible, simply because I knew he loved me. You don’t have to say it, I already know. He’d wait for me to calm down and then address the issue. He would be so calm about it, which was just amazing.

Sitting here today with a heart filled only with gratitude, I have eventually I picked up these amazing habits. Love does that. It inspires and influences. Now that he’s gone I can really say I am a better person and will be a better lover to my next. Yes. There shall be a next.

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