Doing The Hard Stuff Too

In a voice note to someone this morning, I told her something that I didn’t realize that I needed to, not only hear but to embrace – ‘…do not stop praying, as some prayers go before you and actually prepare the aftermath or you for it…’

In my mind, I was referring to how u found myself in a situation after burying Mbu. Nothing could have prepared for it, but I now believe it was my prayers that preceded me and leveled the plain, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time.

Yes, my wife tag expired when Mbu breathed his last – and a widow tag replaced it. My life took a 180 degrees turn and I was just numb and exhausted from watching my husband battle cancer.

I just wanted the world to stop or pause or be silent, but that wasn’t an option, life had to go on. I was just existing and not really living.

I never doubted God though, because I feared I would be so angry at Him, that I wouldn’t find my way back and I had seen enough struggles and challenges to know I need Jesus.

My ‘aftermath’ was pitch black and thick, without even a dot of light. It was like nothing I have ever seen before. All my hope was wiped out by grief. I would be woken up by this pain in my chest and while in the confusion of waking abruptly, I’d remember that it was heartache. My heart didn’t feel like a million pieces – but it felt like fine dust, that just ran through the fingers of who ever tried to console me.

I would go into my parked car in the garage and play worship music and just sob. There was nothing comforting, absolutely nothing. The pain was so intense, that I lost almost 40 kgs and my hair was just falling out. Standing in front of the mirror was torture, I couldn’t recognize, nor connect with the person I was seeing. It was a traumatic experience.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It is until we have no other choice, but to do all things, or anything required necessary in our life’s journey that we can lean on this verse – well, for me any way. Everything I tried to salvage just died or taken, and each time that happened, my heart would break over and, over again. So, I stopped trying and just existed and reminded myself that God surely has a plan, coz I don’t.

5 years later, I made it and still making it. God is indeed faithful.