08.09.2012 - 06.01.2017

I wanted to do better this year but unfortunately the heart doesn’t forget. It’s as if I am in a trance. I can sense, smell and feel everything that happened this time 2 years ago even the weather is exactly the same.

I am just a shell of myself. I feel as lost as I did when I had to figure things out myself on how I’d go about burying Mbu. Although there were people around, everything still laid on my shoulders.

I’ve always had the privilege of sharing all life’s burdens with Mbu in our marriage and now that I was faced with this biggest one challenge; he was gone. I don’t think it is pain that I’m feeling right now or felt then when he passed on. It’s a feeling I can’t describe. I don’t even remember crying. It was just a pure out of body experience. My whole being was focused on surviving and burying him at the same time. Maybe I should just let myself wallow in a good cry,

I kissed his hand after his soul left his body and few hours later I was in town arranging his funeral. I couldn’t cry. I had no opportunity to. I guess maybe I have to revisit those emotions. The emotions I tucked somewhere during his final hour.

I am confused but determined to make it through.

You know; a good marriage is a strange thing. You see I had the love, support etc. from ours but when it ended in his death, all that were the pillars came crashing down except God. The one I would plan and do it all with was gone. I guess this is to emphasise that in this life God is your only need and the only one that goes beyond human limitations.

So then is it better to have a useless husband because when they die you’re used to doing things alone, so you don’t go through these emotions?

It’s like choosing to suffer now by marrying a useless one and do everything yourself or later after your supportive husband dies and you’re left to carry it all on your own?

Still, I don’t blame God or I’ll die if not go completely crazy.

This has to be the weirdest post I’ve ever written but it’s sincere. I’ll read it again in a month or two, when my mind is functioning well. If it is offensive, I apologise. I am going through my emotions and putting them down for whatever reason.

I am just grateful for it all.