Moment Of Reflection - 35!

On the 04^th June it would have been my late husband’s 35^th birthday. I have only known him for 4 years and 4 months. Yet it feels like I’ve known him all my life.

It’s hard to imagine a stranger coming in your life as a soulmate – as a girl I didn’t think much about marriage, let alone a life partner. I’ve always been an independent person, not relying on others much. And then came my second marriage – it was almost impossible to think of myself without this human being who was now my friend; if not soulmate.

We spent most our time laughing and gossiping of course – there’s no secretes between soulmates you know.

I remember one evening in our home in Kuruaman, I asked him if his patients knew how crazy and foolish he was. He responded “If you married a serious man you’d be so bored…”

And 2 years 5 months later after his passing I haven’t even managed to date a decent man.

As I said earlier, I didn’t imagine my life with him in it and now that he’s gone, I am still battling to imagine it without him.

My biggest fear I suppose is never seeing him age, growing old, wrinkled and fickle. In half a decade I’ll be in my 40s, something I looked to cherish with him. I remember saying to him “babe, when we get to 35 years without a baby, we’re going to stop trying. I’ll have my tubes tied…” I wanted to spend my 40s, our 40s just enjoying each other, without nursing any babies.

I am a planner. It helps with my anxiety. Another thing I learned after his passing, is that I can’t control everything. I can plan but at the end of the day it isn’t my call – but God’s.

It’s kind of weird you now. This holding on and letting go thing. In my head, it’s like some sort of dance. It’s all very precision – the holding on and letting go at just the right time, to create this beautiful movement of life. I think a lot don’t I? Well, I’m just trying to make sense of it all...

I am at the letting go phase at the moment and I am kind of looking around for something, if not someone to hold on to next. I think I actually prefer something rather than someone; or maybe that’s just my fear talking. I’ve done this holding on and letting go tango thing before, I am tired and not so eager anymore. I mean, you love and then with that same great love, you let go.

One thing for sure though, my late husband was the greatest love I’ve ever known. He wasn’t perfect, he annoyed me half the time, but because I annoyed him first probably, but we were great friends and even greater confidants. He taught me love in its practicality. He was very gentle. He was never pretentious. He was sincere – to everyone.

Looking at his life, it’s as if he knew he had 32 years only to live, because he lived them well. He was brave but with humility. Kind, but not foolish. Sweet, but also very stern.

Submitting to him as his wife wasn’t a burden, because his authority carried assurance. I was assured I was loved, that I’d be taken care of and that every decision he made was for our best as a couple and family.

The lessons have been taught to me through this marriage and this is why I am grateful; because going forward I’ll enrich a very lucky man’s life with these very lessons