Accepting Life As Uncertain.

Last night I had a dream about my late husband. It’s amazing how I still remember his voice and the way he carried himself. It was a beautiful dream this time. For the first time, I actually woke up happy from this dream. I don’t want to share much, but I remember saying in my dream “…I am so glad I held on to my faith…”

Holding on to faith is hard, especially when something has been declared dead. My husband wasn’t the thing that was declared dead when he passed on. My future was declared too. I had built a life with my late husband, and both our efforts, as individualised as they were; they were very much interlinked. We needed the other in order to survive as a couple and also as human beings.

God often uses dreams to get my attention. The first dreams I had of Mbu always left me torn. In those dreams Mbu would tell me that we’re over and that we can’t reconcile. I would wake up with a broken heart. It always felt so real. These particular dreams happened a lot during the time I struggled with letting of Mbu. Maybe God was shaking me to leave the chapter of denial. Yes, I was very much in denial. Acceptance seemed impossible and torturous. There was also the guilt. Believe it or not, I felt guilty about moving on without Mbu. It was at the end of April 2019, that I took a leap of faith and detached everything that was holding me stagnant and in denial. Mbu’s Facebook account and my ring were the first to go. It was hard. I relapsed badly. For the first time in years, I felt suicidal. I called on friends to carry me, especially in prayer.

I named this phase of my transition The Big Let Go because it was a big kind of let go. I wasn’t just letting go of Mbu the husband, but I was letting go of our dreams and plans together, accepting that I have to start afresh with new ones; alone. Also because letting go and accepting our end meant I was accepting life as uncertain. I didn’t want to face uncertainty. Thank God I pulled through.

Gradually I noticed the soothing comfort of being ok with what life has dealt me with. So the dream I had last night came like a confirmation from God, as to say, ‘See? Nothing is impossible with me, if you trust me to see you through.’