Married, Divorced, Widowed & Might Just Try Again!

I had a painful dream last night. I dreamt I was pregnant with twins.

The first one died while in the womb, a few months before full term. Therefore, it was removed and disposed of in the medical manner. Although I was saddened by this, I remained grateful because of the surviving twin in my womb.

At full term I gave birth to the second twin. The baby was kept in hospital because of ill health.

Then one morning a few days after I had given birth to the second twin, I  received  a call from the hospital to inform me that the second twin has also passed away.

I was torn. More hurt than I was about losing the first twin. The second twin's death derailed me mentally and psychologically.

Waking up, I prayed about the dream & then got this revelation:

The first twin that died in the womb was my first husband, our marriage ended in divorce & although I was sad about it, I was somehow expecting it because we weren't compatible.

The second twin was my second husband Mbu and of course as you would know, our marriage ended in his passing.

Indeed the end of my first marriage hurt but I was ok with it; but my second marriage ended expectedly. I couldn't have predicted it, nor prepared for it. Just like in the dream, I was left so empty and confused about not only history navigate life but also redefining it after the death of my second husband.

So I'm depressed.

Yes, I pray, I love God and I know how much He loves me, but this is the life I've been dealt with. Who am I to say I don't want this as my portion? Who am I to question God for all these ordeals? Has God not promised me that His grace is sufficient for me?

My biggest fear is loving again. I am praying over this area of my life because experience has taught me nothing is guaranteed, the only way to prepare for it is to pray for it.