"Would You Date Someone With HIV?"

One the many good things that have come with widowhood is the exposure to a great vast of knowledge, if not a change in one’s thought processing.

Today I had a brief conversation with a single friend on dating a man living with HIV. I had read a woman’s comment on a post put up by a well-loved female comedian earlier today. The question asked by the comedian was “Why are you single?”

I was drawn to it because I am single and my single friend and I love to poke jokes at our status; so I was expecting to read some humorous comments, because that’s what social media tends to do, especially on such topics.

To my dismay I read a very deep mood altering comment. Immediately I felt a sense of reality hitting me. Finding a person that is ideal to your status (financially, physically, psychologically etc.) isn’t at all that easy.

“…I will not date someone I have to hide my from and end up compromising my health just to please him…where can we find real men who understand that HIV is not a death sentence…” the comment said. I took a screenshot and shared it with my single friend.

She asked me “Would you date someone with HIV?” This is a question I’ve thought of before but only shared my thoughts with just one friend. I replied “Yes, I would.”

I have a few very close people in my life, whom I love dearly who are living with HIV. From them I have learned to deal with my stigma and fears regarding HIV, but I will admit there’s still more to learn if I am to be in a relationship with someone living with HIV.

When someone you love becomes diagnosed with HIV, it almost forces you to evaluate your beliefs and attitude about it. I met someone years ago who would become my dearest love. I was not entirely shocked at their disclosure and I’ll tell you why. When you look at the numbers regarding the infection rate, it’s a given that the person in front of you might be living with HIV. Their openness about their status allowed me the opportunity to get educated on it.

Firstly. I have learned that they don’t bear the ‘I’m living with HIV’ emblem, we tend to think those living with HIV are skinny, gaunt and almost dead. That’s what most people still think unfortunately, even with the great progress made in terms of education on it; but then again, there isn’t much compelling one to learn more on HIV when they haven’t been expose to it – both directly and indirectly, so maybe that’s why there’s still ignorance.

Secondly, they are healthy and are very invested in their well-being, in every sense of the word. This was particularly encouraging for me because I have learned to love them, so their well-being was now important to me.

Thirdly and probably most importantly, they are educated on the subject and educated me on it too. So I am not as frightened of the virus as I was before learning more about it. One of the things I have learned is the importance of monitoring one’s viral load.

So why am I tackling such a deep subject?

Because it’s a reality for someone out there and as one of the people who are constantly talking to a huge following, I felt it’s only appropriate to address those who fall into this particular category.

What I have mentioned in this post is my personal view. The people in my life who are living with HIV are worthy of a good relation just as someone who isn’t HIV positive. When the person I care about comes to me and says “…things ended when I disclosed my HIV status…” seeing their devastation, which normally leads to depression is a wake-up call. A call to accept everyone as the same, because that’s what I wish the person who was dating my ‘loved one’ would have done. To take a chance on them, learn about HIV and play a supportive role in their lives; but I can’t expect someone to do what I myself wouldn’t do. This calls me out – so to speak, I have to do better and be better.

When I married my late husband, I thought we’d live together until we’re old and grey, but life happened otherwise. So I am here, having to think about the possibility of the future. A future I am still trying to figure out; so there’s a huge sense of humility there. Scenarios that were far from my mind have now become a possibility and the comfort of sitting in my warm beautiful marriage looking out at the world with judgement and contempt is no longer there.

Life has personally taught me that there’s never a never. Just like I never thought I’d be a young widow, but life happened and here we are; so this includes dating and marrying a man living with HIV.

I hope this has been a good read and importantly I hope it has provoked you to look differently at HIV and get educated on it, because the very person next to you, possibly your loved one could be living with HIV and is unable to disclose their status due to fear of being stigmatised.

Yours in healing.

Fortunate Zungu-Ludaka.