The Process.

I was born resilient – but it took constant nurturing of this quality for it to yield positive results. There’s a misconception that those who make it against all odds are ‘lucky’ people. There’s no such thing. It’s deliberate effort that brings one through.

Honest self-introspection is one of the rules I follow to making it. I plan intensively; and most of the time these plans are just hopeful attempts, nothing guaranteed.

After losing my beloved husband, I was on the brink of a mental breakdown. And because of my past challenges I knew that I had to be careful about how I was going to do things.

I started prioritising goals according to what was urgent. My mental health was at the top of the list. Without full mental capacity I couldn’t be a mother to my children who had already lost two fathers in a space of 3 years. I also needed to be mentally fit in order to get and keep a job.

It’s needless to say I had to do things that weren’t considered ‘normal’ by society, but my survival depended on these things, they were part of the survival plan.

I started spending time alone. I needed utter silence. I often sat in my car in the garage to be away from everyone. A few days after burying Mbu, I booked myself into a hotel for about a week. I wanted absolute stillness. I wanted to hear nothing. I did this to try and calm the turmoil that had been brewing inside me ever since I learned of Mbu’s diagnosis, prognosis, the countless tests/scans and finally his death.

I followed by removing myself from any and every situation that threatened my peace. This included walking out of certain gathering and events – church included.

I was fragile and those around me often couldn’t get it, but I knew that I had to protect the little bit of sanity I had left.

I then went on to reaching out to friends, I’d call a friend in Soweto or Pretoria and ask if I could spend a few days at their house. I needed to be around people who encouraged me to be vulnerable without seeking explanations.

I deliberately avoided certain people who were threats to this process.

Being here today is a great achievement. Not only am I slowly regaining life and purpose but I am beginning to enjoy the things that I had lost interest in.

Had I chose to be ‘normal’ – I’d be dead; If not physical death, then it would have been the death of my dreams, purpose, relationships and self.