Souls Break.

Something's broken. There's pain in my heart that's unexplainable. It's not loud, but echoing from what was a loud bang.
It's as if my soul is throwing tantrums, because I can't quite figure out what it's saying but it's definitely moody, grumpy & just grumbling.

I'm tired of it. I wish it would all end now. If I'm not in total tears, then I'm left with an isibibithwane. I'm not sure what it's called in English; but it usually happens after one has been sobbing for an extended period, that they are left with a hiccup like sensation.

Loss through death is how they bend souls to never fully function again maybe; I'm wondering how did I feel before his departure. It seems there's nothing I think about more than it.

I held on to my lover as his soul left his body. It was as though angels were singing. There was so much peace in that moment.

I prayed that God wouldn't let go of him.

I prayed that He would hold on tight to me so the pain of loss wouldn't scatter me all around; all this as his heart beat it's last.

I kissed my lovers hand.

Then the dreadful question followed. "What do you want us to do with his body, have you arranged for a family mortuary to collect it...?" And suddenly my beloved husband was now a 'body'.

This question lingered in my mind. I wanted to do what he would be happy with. But we never discussed this particular point in our marriage.

We jokingly spoke of what should happen should the other pass on, but nothing in detail as though finalising details of an urgent event.
I did all I could do for my lover. Between God, him and myself; we know what went down and how much I fought the storm before and after!

There those who are very opinionated. I'm grateful I'm no longer the crushing Fortunate, I would have crushed them in one go, but now I've found this insanely peaceful humility. I pity them more than anything. They don't know how this feels like, if they did, I'd say let's compare notes; but again I'm not about that. I'm just pouring out my heart the best way I know how - writing.