Trauma Battles

I am battling putting this down. I think it’s because it’s a bit of a challenge translating the frustration of wanting answers for the trauma that was caused on to us. Some of us have issues with rejection, disappointments, abuse and neglect from our parents. When I was in my teens, I thought when I became an adult I’ll be able to live with it – the trauma that is.

The reality was far from this. I married young in hopes that marriage would fix me and fill the void and hunger for love that I never received from my parents. I married a man who was raised with love by his parents, so my need for constant verification was leaving him overwhelmed.

I tried confronting my family about my trauma and I was told that I am holding on to the past; but this wasn’t the past, it was very much the present to me. The pain was still there. I was now a mother and I was failing at my relationship with my children because I didn’t know to embrace them – this meant that if I don’t deal with my trauma, I would pass it on to my children even unintentionally.

To let go, I needed closure. Closure doesn't mean the wrongs done to me will be rectified; but closure is meant to initiate the healing process. It’s unfair that I have to justify my pain in order to be granted closure; it's my pain. It's my progress in life that is being held back. I need to heal. To heal, I have to confront. 
My confrontation isn't betrayal to anyone, but it will be betrayal to myself and future if I don't confront the trauma. I’ve never been taught confrontation and because of this, I ended up taking on the ugly habit of blame shifting.

Now imagine my first marriage. I got into it with baggage from childhood, my spouse had to tip toe around it and tried to live with, in order to salvage our marriage – but it became too much, not just for him but for me too. It was heavy as thick fog on a winter morning. Our marriage eventually ended and the cycle of blame shifting was an almost reality, because I thought love meant that we stay in unhealthy relationships and hope for change – that’s how my relationship with my biological parents was. There was no confrontation, but a live with it attitude.

The only thing that saved my last marriage was confrontation from my now late husband. He forced me to confront the past and offered his support. It wasn’t easy, it still isn’t because I am constantly learning how to be a good person. I am unlearning the ugly habits that came with carrying trauma for almost 3 decades – if you’re going to carry trauma, you have to carry it well. You must be bitter, angry, anxious, sad, depressed and good at the blame game.

Now I’m learning to carry peace and to carry peace successfully I need to constantly self-introspect, meditate on what’s good, practice forgiveness and saying no. yes; saying no actually promotes peace. I do what I can for others, I no longer go far and beyond risking my mental health.