Your Love

A few years ago a close friend of my said something that would change my life forever. We were chatting in a group on a messenger app and I was sharing my frustrations on how I was feeling stuck and stagnant with my friends on the group and the she asked a question or was it statement? I don’t remember every detail, but she mentioned how I had to believe God loves in order to see His love.

It hit home because I was battling with self-acceptance; the rejection I experienced as child especially from my biological parents made me believe I wasn’t worthy of love – even God’s love.

I paused a bit, I thought to myself “…wow, OK. Do I really believe God loves me?

My friend went on to say, unlike humans, God wants to give us His love, not because we’ve earned it but because he wants us to have it.

I thought of the number of times I was a little more, quiet, nicer, disciplined all in hopes of being granted the love I so desired from my parents, but my attempts would always fail. So now, here I was being told that God loves me, because He loves me. I was shocked and hesitant to believe it; but I had nothing to lose so I started focusing on who God was. I have always had a relationship with God for as long as I could remember and yet I didn’t believe He loved me unconditionally.

I once told my mom how I used believe rejection was love. When you’re a child, you learn and know only what you’re exposed to. So because I was brought up being rejected, I never questioned it, hence I felt everything that was done to me was my fault and that I deserved it, just like I would be an extra good child in order to deserve to being rewarded with affection. Unlike when you’re an adult, you’ve had the opportunity to possibly see different views and beliefs – but as a child, how you’re treated becomes your imprint; your signature. That becomes how you define yourself and if these thoughts aren’t challenged or changed, then you’re bound to live a sad life.

One of the things my friend mentioned as ‘tools’ to changing my mindset was mediation. She spoke of how she meditates on God’s love for her. I am a fan of day dreaming and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to try it.

And it worked, it really did. The load of guilt I used to carry slowly decreased. I was becoming more and more happy, genuinely happy and at peace. Anxiety was still there but it wasn’t choking me emotionally anymore. It was a work in progress, it still is; and one lesson led to another. Even to this today I am still learning new lessons on being ‘whole’ and content. I am far from being a noble Christian, but I am assured of God’s love for me. No matter what life throws at me, I am assured that my Father will see me through and to this very day, He’s still doing that.

In conclusion. I have realised that others can’t love you to your satisfaction until you’ve loved yourself to that extent. You’ll never recognise or accept their efforts of love towards you until you’ve reached that peak of love for yourself, from yourself.  Some women get married in hopes of being loved, but their ideals of love are so impossible for their husbands to fulfill and when this happens, these women recognise their husband’s failures as betrayal. Which then often leads to chaos within their marriages.

I hope this piece has been meaningful and insightful.