The Lover Within!

My late husband used to say “…sometimes I wish you could record the things you say and listen to them when you’ve calmed down and tell me if it’s what you really meant…”

Needless to say that I took so much offense to it but he was right. Sometimes in the hype of pride we tend to think we’re incapable of being wrong and inconsiderate. This is one of the many things that I appreciate so much about my late husband. He was able to call me into order without being unloving.

This is partly why I’ve become reluctant to date again. I am honestly scared that I might not have it as I did before. I am, of course praying that God gives me better than ever, but I am realistic that it’s not in any man.

Yes, Mbu had his weaknesses but I truly admire how he managed to love me despite any conflicting emotions he might have experienced in our relationship towards me. The goal was always the same – to be a good husband every single day of our lives together. There were seriously trying times, when both of us would be in tears because of whatever challenge we were faced with due to conflict. Now my concern as a human being, is to marry a man that can offer me that kind of security and comfort. One might say it’s unlikely, but I have this crazy faith that God can bless me with such a man and more.

With all that I have mentioned about Mbu being a heaven sent (and returned), it doesn’t take away the fact that each one of us played our roles to our best abilities during our marriage. Whenever he called me out, I would have to sit and really evaluate my behaviour. Maybe his manner of approach also contributed to that, because it was very honest, direct and non-humiliating; and that made it impossible for me to attack him.

As much as I miss my husband, nothing can take away the essence of our marriage. We were truly blessed. When I married Mbu, I had an idea of the kind of marriage I wanted – which was a total opposite of my first marriage. I went into my marriage with Mbu a bit naïve. I was expecting him to be the giver. The romantic man. The perfect man, boy was I in for a surprise. My beloved Mbu was human. Would you believe it? He insisted on mutual commitment; that went as far as our finances, yup the doctor wanted me to be financially accountable. Suddenly the dream I had created of a perfect life, was erased and recreated by actual work. Phew. I remember him asking me for my payslip and I told him that it was sent to me electronically. He said “print it, and bring it home tomorrow!”

I was pissed off. In my first marriage my money was my business, but here it was our business. The adjusting wasn’t easy. We were still building trust. After all, I came with points of reference from my previous marriage into this marriage with Mbu. I was very much on the lookout. This caused a lot of frustrations for Mbu, because somehow he constantly had to prove himself; and today I realise how unfair that was on him.

As the years went on, this picture he’d been trying to paint started to take form. Slowly, I learned how to let down my guard and let him be him and not react to him as though he was my first husband.

And this is why I am here. I am happy with just being single. I am studying both my marriages in order to define who I am as a lover and possible wife. I am not getting into a third marriage before I achieve this. My marriage to Mbu taught me to love me so deeply that I can pour that into my lover. And how I value myself as a human being is directly translated in how I treat others.

The many battles I harboured and feared facing; became warzones in our marriage and Mbu wouldn’t take cover, but rather, he would sit me down and highlight these areas and ask me to work on them. I married a peace lover. Not just peace with others, but peace with and within himself.