Unignorable Reminders!

I am emotional in this piece and I am writing about it because I just want to vent and be frustrated. I am overwhelmed by the readjusting I have to make in order to adapt to my now living standards.

It’s not even about the difference in the incomes but it's about the reality that what was once a single trip, now includes several stops, walks and inconveniences.

I was meant to join my friends in Limpopo for our staycation to celebrate a friend’s birthday, but the reality is that it’s not as simple as it would have been three years ago. I now have to plan every single detail of the trip and its routes. Who’s picking me up where? What time are they dropping me off at the taxi rank? Will I be safe to get home when I get off the taxis? And if these don’t give me answers satisfactory answers, it may mean I’m not joining the trip.

I am currently frustrated because I have no choice but to cancel this girl’s trip. I want to be upset, but what would it help? This is just another sad reminder of what I’ve lost and it easily leads to depression. It’s not that I’ll be missing the trip; it’s the reminder that I’ve lost my husband (primary trauma) and along the comfort of our income and living standards (secondary trauma).

This is one of the many emotional huddles I face and never talk about. Some even say “…just move on with your life…”, but in honesty it’s not so simple. To survive each day is real work that requires both the psychological and emotional spheres of my being to collaborate. My mind and heart have to pull together, in one perfect sync to achieve a harmonious ‘move on’.

This is why each time I reach a set milestone in my journey I celebrate it with sheer undiluted joy. I’m constantly working to achieve a life of peace, acceptance and realistic growth – but such reminders are inevitable, which is why I monitor my mental health because it is such moments (insignificant to others maybe) that can easily push one over edge; regardless of the great strides that one has made to pick up the pieces. It’s the small, insignificant and unworthy, but consistent disappointments and challenges that add up and lead to one feeling helpless and overwhelmed.

I hope this piece has highlighted some of the otherwise overlooked facts in the life of those picking up the pieces.