The Unknowing Addict.

Today I feel a bit emotional compared to the rest of this month of August 2019. I try to keep track of my emotional well-being and state. Whenever I have relapse, I like to take timeout and observe it. I do this so I can identify my weaknesses and strengths. Each time I come across a huddle, I try to learn as much as possible from it. The lessons are more psychological than physical. Some of these lessons seem insignificant, but together they bear great rewards.

One of the questions I get asked frequently is how far am I in my healing journey? It’s a bit hard to say for sure because I don’t have a point of reference, except for the two and a half years that I’ve survived without Mbu.

I am no different to a recovering addict really, our journeys are more similar than people realise. Each day I strive to make it without falling apart. We battle with being “without’ and ‘refraining’ from. I am going on without Mbu and refraining from wanting him present in my life. 

It’s meant to make life psychologically healthy I suppose – learning to survive and cope without our former comforts. Mbu was my comfort, never a remedy but a definite comfort. Now I’m looking unto Jesus as my remedy because this pain is far too great for me.

I dissect each day into twenty four categories. Each category represents each hour of the day. I strive to pull through each hour, until it’s time to fall asleep. That’s my favourite time of the whole twenty four hours, because for those 8 to 9 hours I get to not participate in the ultimate game of survival but still keep my earned victory from the previous rounds. This wasn’t always the case though. Regular sleep was one of the ordeals I had to go through immediately after Mbu passed on and it dragged on for months; but now with the help of my medication, I certainly sleep better.