To A Newly Surviving Widow.

Then Mbu passes and my reign as his queen comes to an unexpected and harsh end. The reality stares me in the eyes. I am thinking of the best possible new norm to create and adapt to. In my mind and bank account I know things have got to change, drastically. Now I have got to make every cent count.

That used to be Mbu's responsibility. He made the money and managed it. Whether his salary came a day late or came in half, he'd always make a plan; and I truly enjoyed this. Having to rely on a man like that was a dream come true for me, more like an answered prayer. Most of my life I've had to survive. I started working at 16 so I can be able to go to school without worrying about transport money or textbooks. So for once in my life I could relay the responsibility of being responsible and it felt good to my soul until the very end.

The end however came unannounced; well, it was announced only a month before it came. Not much time to do much planning when faced with the news of your spouse's diminishing life expectancy. The focus was the prognosis of Mbu's cancer than what I'd do when he died. The only thought that came to mind was the assurance that God will see me through. It was all too overwhelming to process. 

Then that fateful dawn he left us and immediately the comfort of him figuring things out left with him. I remember reaching for my cellphone to give him a call about where they should take his body after his final breath. Yup, yet he was laying there breathless and I still hadn't fathomed the reality of his departure. 

 

In time, well a day after his burial, I set out to make life as easily transitioning as possible. The first was the reality of living without the multiple grands of Rands each month. We lived as simple as possible but there was the opportunity of luxury. One of them was being able to buy any type of toiletries I wanted. I didn't have to really check the price, that was Mbu's job in our marriage. He had a set maximum spending on each department of the household and well, toiletries were my favorite because his needs were always simple in that department. He however towed the line when it came to my income. Even though he earned almost 8 times more than what I earned, he still expected me to have some sort of responsibility. Even if it was buying onions.

When we moved to the Northern Cape that responsibility fell away. I was a flourishing housewife. And because of my independent nature, I started a business selling Brazilian weaves. It did great and Mbu was my biggest cheerleader, but I put the business aside the minute I learnt that my husband was dying. So yes, that stream of income would have helped but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to pursue it any further. 

What people don't know about dealing with a loved someone's life threatening diagnosis is that you begin to grieve for them before they even pass. I guess for that month, from getting his diagnosis to the day of his death I was grieving, and I didn't even know it at the time.

One of my chosen means of coping was bringing my expenses into reality. A skill I've sharpened to this very day is bargain shopping. Yes, almost every item of clothing I've bought since 2017 was discounted. The other few were items I bought because of necessity, so I couldn't wait for them to be put on sale. Another was buying my toiletries in bulk. Listen, I woke up one day and my kids were semi adults and using more and more items for grooming – so buying in bulk meant I could spend a chuck of money on toiletries one month and they would last for three months at least. In that gap, I could patch-up something else, like a new pair of shoes or an overdue family date to name a few.

Yes, we didn't cancel family dates. These are still very ideal for our healthy functioning as a family, but we've made them less expensive. Before we would spend a grand easily without thinking twice, but now even R300 is enough. The focus is spending uninterrupted family time. Then there are other days when we can afford to sit at a restaurant where a waiter serves us versus buying at the counter. This habit was instilled by Mbu. He loved being out of the house and it's one of those traditions the kids and I vowed to keep. And it's been beneficial, we're still close neat as before and is something we appreciate.

Which brings me to the gist of this piece. Building new ways of living after losing a loved one isn't easy, but it's possible.

It starts with acceptance, I suppose. Accepting really doesn't mean you are happy with it; it means you acknowledge it and that makes building anew a possibility. Analyzing the facts is important. Being oblivious to new responsibilities doesn't take them away, it just stalls them – so the sooner you start, the better. Have an end-goal in mind. My end-goal was to live within my means. I didn't want to be the widow that was famous for asking for donations. I only permitted myself to do so only if it was an urgent matter and I've exhausted all of my resources. So that happened very sparingly.

Another goal was to treat myself to proper good living. One way I did this was by working on my friendships. Moral support is vital and my previously formed sisterhoods proved to be a great source of support, therefore I needed to work on them a bit more. This proved to be a great decision because my friends have and continue to be my support system, tagging me along on long road trips that afforded my mind a change of scenery every now and then. Also, I focused on solo dates. At first these were the hardest. Sitting alone at a restaurant watching couples fiddle with each other. I suppose that's what my mind was familiar with. There was a time I was part of a couple, sharing meals, teasing each other at those restaurants; but now I was learning the beauty of solitude. It took a lot of practice, but I think I've got the hang of it now.

 

No matter how scary building afresh is, it's possible. Define the new life you want and start building towards it.

 

Yours in healing.

Fortunate Zungu-Ludaka