Depressed And Widowed

I find myself forgetful. Thoughts of things needing to be done completely leave my mind. Nothing matters. Not even me. The pain I feel is all I know. There’s nothing greater than it.

I want to be alone and lay in a still position. Even moving to change positions is a task, one I don’t wish to partake in.

For a moment I forgot how to breathe, as if anyone has ever taught me. Something as natural, as voluntary as breathing ceased. I remember staring at his body hearing voices talking, they asked me what they should do with his body. My first response was reaching for my phone to call him on his. Then my mind quickly reminded me that he was gone. I then asked the hospital staff to give me a few hours, that I’d be back to get him.

I don’t think I’ll ever make sense of that moment, even in the years to come. One second he was there and the next he was gone. That particular moment taught me that I own nothing. That even our righteousness had no value against death. I could have been the most perfect wife but that wouldn’t constitute my ownership over my husband’s life. No matter how much I loved my husband, my love was never going to be enough. I couldn’t lay claim over him and tell God he was mine and therefore he should let him live.

This is why I cared about nothing after. There was no point in anything. What would be the point in celebrating a life only to lose it?  And if something as precious as life could be lost, what’s the point of celebrating and holding on tightly to material wealth? It all seemed pointless.

I couldn’t let this go on though. My kids still needed a mother. Me still needed me.

I won’t lie, it was tough; it still is and today is just one of those tough days.

I woke up with such unbearable pain in my heart. I was filled with confusion because everything in me doesn’t want to feel like this. My brain identifies these emotions and pain as quick sand and that I need to get out as soon as I can. Then the battle in the mind begins. I’m grasping for air. I am fighting to stay conscious. The emotions want me to stay but a part of me, I’m not sure which one, keeps fighting to leave.

That’s the thing about depressed moods. They’re somehow comforting but can kill if you dare stay there. I guess I should be grateful there’s a part of me that’s fighting hard not to stay in this state. I call it faith. To this day there’s  not been too many signs of me ever reaching full recovery, but when I read God’s word it tells me I’ll make it and since I’ve made it to 22 months without my beloved husband, I guess I will.

Isaiah 41:10 New King James Version (NKJV)

¹⁰ Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’