Just Like A Puzzle!

Mbu taking off my weave, he wasn't thrilled.

It’s 3 A.M. and I am writing this piece because I am battling to go back to sleep. I had a dream about my awesome late husband. I am not going to dwell on the dream – I’ll leave that for another post.

What I want to share is this thought. I am a thinker and a dweller. That’s why I try to think positively because I hate anxiety attacks.

A puzzle box comes with a picture of what the puzzle pieces put together should look like.

Let’s take the picture on the puzzle box as my widowhood journey in its complete status/phase; so I know the point I’m supposed to get to.

It’s the putting the right piece at the right time that’s the challenge. Sometimes I put in a piece that seems like the next shape that’s meant to go in but after putting it in, it fits because of the shape but it isn’t consistent to the picture I’m building. So I have to take it out.

A very exhausted husband napping

This is frustrating because I feel as though I’m inadequate; but I have to console myself by reminding myself there’s still other pieces to try and if I keep trying, I’ll find the perfect fitting piece. And so I continue trying.

Each piece that falls into place is like reaching a milestone. I pause to allow myself to take in this success and to celebrate it. I celebrate it because it means a certain phase is done and I am able to move forward to figuring out the next one.

Mbu & I on the road in Pretoria.

Each delay in finding another piece that looks like what needs to go in next is heart breaking, but I have to keep at it.

This is a perfect analogy to my widowhood journey.

The ultimate goal is to heal, to be at peace with the fact that my husband is gone forever and to love again.

So I get frustrated when I am not making progress or met with delays. It becomes even more unfortunate when the spectators comment or nag me to finish this puzzle…it’s my puzzle – assigned to me!

I am hurting so much right now because of this dream, but I’ve moved on to the next piece which I’m still trying to figure out and try to find through the pile of other puzzle pieces.

I’ve never seen a manual on how to effectively and timeously put together a puzzle, or maybe I’m ignorant, I don’t know.

Mbu being discharged after his biopsy and numerous scans

So this applies to this widowhood journey I’m on too. I figure things out as I go. If it works I keep it, if it doesn’t; I take it out and try again with another piece.

I’m forced to be patient with myself, because I only hurt myself if I’m not. There’s no room for perfection on this journey. It’s a deliberate try and fail quest that requires a lot of surrender – it’s a try and fail until you get it process.

It takes a lot out of me than it does those who are supportive.

It forces me to love me unconditionally. To forgive myself for every wrong move and to celebrate every right one, because it brings me closer to the bigger picture.