The Long Way Back.

My thoughts on marriage have changed so much that I doubt if I’ll ever marry again. This has nothing to do with my undying love for my late husband – but rather my undying love for my destiny and also because of the fear of there being no other man who will love, support, be honest with me beyond that I knew and had with Mbu; but then again. God is God, only He knows for sure.

I’ve been married twice, to two very different men. There was a time or phase I thought marriage was a must achieve status. I was young and not really clued up on who I was, where I was and where I wanted my life to go.

In February 2017, a month after Mbu’s passing, I drove to our house from my parents’ house. It was about +-700kms drive. I hadn’t been there since December 2016, when Mbu and I left our house for his parents’ house. Now here I was, unlocking the door and immediately I felt a sense of emptiness. Part of me was afraid of going back, because of the sudden reality that Mbu wasn’t around anymore. I went in. it was cold. It was sad. The furniture was exactly how we left it, but it gave a different feeling, a sad almost like puzzled feeling. It was as if the house was asking where Mbu was.

I told my aunt, my mom’s sister who had accompanied me on this very long drive to settle herself in. I don’t even remember much, but I just showed her the room she’ll be sleeping in. I called the landlord to organise someone who would cut the lawn. It was beginning to lose like the amazon forest.

I then took a few deep breathes and faced one of my biggest fears; walking and sleeping in our bedroom, in our bed alone. I felt my heart tore. Just two months ago I was in this very bed with my beloved. Although he was ill, I didn’t foresee this moment right here. I guess it was one of the steps to getting closure.

Laying my head on the bed, it felt the same. It was as comfortable as it always was. The blankets were as warm. They still had his scent. I don’t know how, but somehow I managed to fall asleep.

The next morning we were meant to drive back to Johannesburg with my aunt and she took one look at me and said “Sisi, you’re upset. Let’s relax today. We’ll leave for Johannesburg tomorrow morning." She was right. Although I dint realise my state was visible on my physical appearance, I was beside myself emotionally, yet I thought I was handling it well.

I went into the bedroom my aunt was sleeping to look for some documents. Documents suddenly held so much power. Power to determine my now new life.

I came across pictures of his graduation. The memories of that day suddenly flowed in my mind like a tranquil river. They were beautiful and the snap; I was brought back to reality as soon my mind got to the end of the mental video it was playing.

I sobbed. I sat on the bed and sobbed “…I’ll never love another man mam’ncame” I said to my aunt. She just allowed me to speak. I haven’t spoken on my feelings about losing him, even at his funeral. All I spoke about was the funeral, I never spoke about Mbu being dead. I couldn’t accept that. I feared what would come after my acceptance – I wasn’t ready for whatever it was, to this day.