A Widow's Prayer.

I remember saying to God, “I am so glad you’re God because I don’t know how else I am going to survive Mbu’s death…” 

This was minutes or hours after Mbu’s passing, at this point everything was unstable or maybe it was my mind and whole being that was unstable. I was so desperate to hold on to something greater and stronger than myself, thank God God was that very thing.

It was a scary time for me. A time I never thought I’d face. Yes, when you say your vows you hope that death would be the only thing that would separate you. Even with this as the ending we hoped for for our marriage, I wasn’t near ready. It came too soon.

Instantly I lost a part of me. I don’t cook anymore and if I am forced to, it feels as though my heart is oozing pain. My son has been begging me to make lasagna. It’s been almost 3 years and I still haven't made it. it’s not that I don’t want to cook for my kids, it’s just that there’s an emotional connection to the things I used to do in my marriage with Mbu, that feel like torture when I do them now. This is probably why therapy is so important.

I try to be as open as possible with my kids about my grief. I want them to know how I am feeling each day and to allow them the opportunty to support me; and also so they could know that life happens and there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable and accepting help. I want my kids to know that some life events can be so harsh, that they blow you right off your well organised plans.

It was like watching dominoes fall. That one hit led to a series of equally hard hits that knocked my life right off balance and off plans.

Hence I told God, “I am so glad you’re God because I don’t know how else I am going to survive Mbu’s death…”